Loyal, Human, Element
by MysticGuitar
Summary: Taylor Jones was a fairly normal person, until he mysteriously appeared at the Ponyville General Hospital. Rated M for swearing, clop and suggestive themes.
1. Introduction: Part 1

_I've never written a Human in Equestria story before, so consider this more of an experiment than a full-blown story. I'll write a couple of chapters, just to see how it all goes. If this thing somehow manages to get some type of fan attention, I'll turn it into a bigger series with much longer chapters. I already have a large arc planned out, but don't want to write it all out until I know that people are actually interested in reading it. So, if you like this intro chapter, please follow and fav it. I'm also open to any suggestions, and read all reviews. Constructive criticism is welcomed. _

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My name is Taylor Jones, and I'm kind of an outsider to these lands. As in, I literally don't belong here, and kind of appeared in the centre of a small town. You see, I used to live elsewhere, in a fairly large city known as Toronto. I had friends, a family, and a pet hamster named Hammy. Yes, I seriously named him Hammy, and if you dare laugh at his name, he shall smite you from hamster hell.. assuming such a place even exists. Anyways, I'm getting a bit off topic.

As you may have already figured out, I'm not a pony. I shouldn't even be a part of this world, and yet, here I am. A human in a land called Equestria, filled with magical unicorns, possibly bisexual pegasi, and Earth ponies that don't really have anything special, aside from their strength. Though, there is one Earth pony in particular that scares the living shit out of me, and I swear she's bipolar, but I'll write more on that later.

In addition to my name, I'm really quite ordinary in appearance. I'm 6'3, not overly muscular, but far from skinny or fat. I have dark brown hair, green/blue eyes, and a fairly large beard. I've always been a bit of a jock, and tend to have a tiny ego when it comes to winning, though that's mostly because I very rarely lose. Whether it be video games, or sports, I always win. In fact, back when I was in highschool, I played on a soccer team, and I always brought my team to victory. I was so good at winning, I eventually got bored, and moved on to something else. From basketball to baseball, and football to hockey. I was always the best player on my team, and loved the spotlight. You have no idea how fucking good it feels to have a crowd screaming your name, while you're moving as fast as you can possibly go, all to win the game.

But none of that's really important right now. There's more to me than meets the eye, as you'll soon find out. However, let's just pretend that I'm some type of two dimensional character for the time being, so I can tell you how I came to arrive in the land of Equestria, and why I'm writing this story for you to read. So, without further adieu, I give you the beginning of my tale.

It all started on a Wednesday, or perhaps a Thursday. No, it was definitely a Wednesday. I woke up on a warm mid summer Wednesday morning, feeling energized and ready to get on with my day. At least, I _would_ have felt energized if not for an unusual pit in my stomach holding me back. Wait, no. It was a Thursday! Not sure why I said Wednesday...

Anyways, I woke up feeling an unusual dread inside of me. It didn't hurt, or make me feel sick. No, nothing like that. It simply felt _weird_, like the feeling you get when you know you're forgetting to do something important, but can't really figure out what. Since it wasn't affecting me, I decided to just go about my day, and ignore the feeling.

Problem was, that feeling I had only grew in strength, and six hours later, it became unbearable. By now, it was really starting to bother me, but even now, I felt no pain. It felt like I had a balloon of energy inside my chest, and that it just kept inflating. It soon became hard to breath, and I felt like I could explode at any moment. I gotta admit though, it felt good, in a weird way. Having so much concentrated energy bundled up in one location. Seriously, I felt truly alive, though that feeling didn't last for long..

Cause I died. At least, I kinda did. One minute I'm walking to my bathroom, feeling unusually tired considering the time of day, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor in pain. The energy in my chest had turned into a bitter numbness, chilling me to my bone. I felt everything around me freeze, and even saw my windows crystal over in frost. The lights in my apartment went out, followed by all electronic devices around me. My eyes were feeling heavy, and I passed out.

When I awoke, I was in the middle of a small town, surrounded by shadowy figures that I could only describe as looking like grim reapers, though there were dozens of them. I was unable to move, as if frozen to the ground under me. One of the reapers decided to stride towards where I lay, slowly moving his scythe to rest upon his slender shoulder. Once he was standing directly in front of me, he removed his scythe, and cut an X in the air, before striking it down on my helpless body. I closed my eyes in fear and anticipation, waiting for the reaper to take my soul away.

But nothing happened.

I woke up, feeling dazed and very confused. I could hear some type of beeping coming from my left, and I was laying in an unfamiliar bed. I was in a type of hospital, by the looks of it, though I didn't exactly know why I was here. A thousand thoughts were soaring through my mind, when I heard a kind female voice speak up, asking if I was okay. Now, considering how fucking confused I was, it took me a good minute or two before I realized that this voice was coming from outside of my head, and that I hadn't simply imagined hearing it.

So, like a bumbling idiot, I tried to sit up. Big mistake! Seriously, the pain I felt was unimaginable. It was like a million cars had just run me over, breaking every god damn bone in my body, only to run me over again in reverse for good measure. I was in excruciating pain, and I'm honestly amazed I didn't pass out right then and there. Though, my amazement only continued once I noticed that the voice, the one I thought I heard, came from a type of robot, and that my room was whiter than white. There were no windows to speak of, and the only door to and from this place had no visible handle to allow entry, and it too was whiter than white. Come to think of it, there weren't even any lights in this room, and yet, everything was properly illuminated by some type of unknown source. It felt almost _alien_ to me, considering how clean, white and structured everything looked.

So, under the assumption that I was somehow on some type of alien mothership, I passed out again, this time in fear and stress, rather than pain.

When I awoke, I was no longer in the same hospital room as I was before, but I was still in a type of hospital. This time, however, everything seemed relatively more _normal_ and significantly less white. There were windows, and medical equipment that I could actually recognize. There was also an unusual smell in the air around me, almost like a natural freshness. That's when I heard another voice speak up, though this time, it wasn't from some weird alien robot thing. No, this time it was from a pony! That's right, a _pony_. As in, a mini horse thing, but one that can apparently talk.

Needless to say, I didn't really handle my first human to pony interaction very well, and ended up passing out again, or as a certain blue rainbow coloured pegasus would later inform me, I "_didn't pass out, you fainted like a little filly on Nightmare Night"_

Yeah, so.. whatever. The point is, I didn't handle it well, and ended up sleeping the rest of the day.

When I awoke again, I found myself surrounded by six pony faces of varying colours. Purple, white, pink, blue, orange, and a small yellow one that was hiding over in the corner. This time, I didn't pass out, and actually managed to stay relatively awake and conscious, at least, conscious enough to be aware that I was in total and complete fear. Though, the instant the purple… unicorn? Yeah, cause why not. Totally normal to see a fucking purple unicorn pony standing beside my hospital bed. Anyways, so when that purple unicorn started to talk to me, I literally felt my heart pounding against my chest. I'm amazed I didn't have a heart attack, and at the time, I was honestly praying that I would die on the spot.

The purple unicorn was trying to talk to me, though I have no idea what she was saying. A part of me was able to hear her, but the other part that controlled my fear? Yeah, it just wanted to, you know, _fear_ her. So, her words were just a giant mess of garbled garbleness, whatever the fuck that even is. But you know, I said it. So, garbleness is a thing now.

Once I had managed to regain some control of my brain, I immediately instructed it to pay close attention to the purple unicorn's voice. Also, before you question, yes; I talk to my brain, and tell it stuff. It's perfectly normal, if you really stop to think about it. Though, that doesn't really matter much, as the unicorn was now asking me a hundred questions about who I am, what I am, why I'm here, blah blah blah. I felt like I was being verbally raped by her voice, and while everything in my body was telling me to just punch her in her unicorn muzzle, hoping she'd shut the hell up, I figured the best way to get out of this, whatever _this_ even is, was to answer her questions. And so, I spoke up for the first time in what felt like years. Mind you, my voice wasn't exactly _normal…_ In short, I sounded like a fucking mouse, and the first word that these fucking ponies heard out of me, was a squeaky as fuck "hi" that was barely even audible.

Oddly, my poor attempt at interspecies communication made the purple pony shut up for a second. In fact, every pony in the room reacted in some weird as fuck way. The purple one closed her big talkative muzzle, the white one glared at me as if I was the ugliest thing she's ever seen, the orange one removed her hat, and put it onto a nearby chair. And, why a pony has a hat, I don't know, won't know, and give no shits about. So don't ask. Anyways, the pink one had an ungodly smile on her face, and seemed to levitate in the air for a second, defying all laws of gravity and physics in the process. The blue one, which appeared to be a flying pony pegasus thing, fell to the ground with a loud thud, and started laughing her ass off. Oh, and as for the yellow one? She wasn't even in the room anymore. My guess, is she bolted out of here the instant she realized I could talk. Smart pony.

The first pony to speak back up was, unsurprisingly, the purple one, though she wasn't talking to me, and was instead scolding the blue pegasus for her behaviour. "Rainbow" she began. "That's not a very nice way to treat our new guest!"

The blue pegasus pony thing, which was apparently named 'Rainbow', managed to sit up on her ass, and stopped laughing in an instant. She was seriously struggling to hold back another burst of laughter, but upon seeing me, and how '_insecure' _ I looked, she decided to hold it in, and actually had the guts to apologize to me. Not like I heard a damn word of it, though. She was seriously getting on my nerves, turning my fear into genuine anger.. which I suppose is better than fearing for my life, but whatever. Not the point! That damn blue bitch laughed at me, simply because I tried to say _hi_ to the weird talking ponies that somehow invaded my hospital room.

"So, do you have a name?" the purple one asked, and followed up her question with another question before I even had the chance to answer the first one. "Also, what exactly _are_ you?"

"Taylor Jones is my name" I said, only for the purple thing to interupt me before I could answer her second question. "It's nice to meet you, Taylor Jones. Don't mind me asking, but just _whatare _you exactly? You're obviously not a pony." She.. literally just interrupted me from answering her other question just so she could ask me the same exact question again, with minor rephrasing? Seriously? The fuck is wrong with this purple nutbar?

"Human" is all I could manage to say. Though, I had other things in mind, such as "_I'm a fucking human, you stupid purple unicorn bitch!" _and "_My GOD, could you please just shut the fuck up for one goddamn second?" _

Of course, if I said anything like that, I probably would have been impaled by her horn thing. I'm not suicidal, so I thought it best to just stick with the cold, hard facts. Simple answers for her annoying questions.

After a couple of agonizing minutes, and dozens of questions later, the purple unicorn, who has yet to tell me her fucking name, decided to leave me alone, so I could fall back to sleep. She, along with Rainbow, all left the room in relative silence, leaving me to my emotional instability. I still had no fucking idea how I got here. I'm not even sure if I'm alive.

And that's kind of how it all started. I don't remember much else of my first day in Ponyville, or more like, my first hospital visit thing. So, that's where this introduction ends.


	2. Introduction: Part 2

_Author's Note: hey guys, I know this entry is fairly short, but I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Anyways, I know this chapter may not be what you all expected from me, and it kind of doesn't move the story forward in any kind of significant way. Consider this a comedic filler of sorts. I hope to write chapters similar to this every once in a while, just to lighten the mood before a big story event. Hopefully it doesn't become too similar to Rainbow Dash's Flight Journal, which is all about humor. Separating stories and their individual styles is really, really hard for some reason! _

_Also, as always, if you like this, please follow, fav and review it! I'm always open to constructive criticism. Oh, and if you like the comedic value to this story, check out Flight Journal. I also post story updates on my profile page, so if a new chapter is delayed, I'll post there first. _

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I was startled awake by an unusual pressure on my chest. Thinking it was that fucked up energy thing again, I tried to rise to my feet and get the fuck out of there before those reaper things could get me. However, I soon discovered that this was an _external_ heaviness, and that it was literally on my chest. I also discovered that it didn't actually weigh all that much, even though a second earlier I could have sworn that it was heavy enough to crush my ribs. So, once my shitty mind realized that something was on top of me, and wasn't trying to crush me, I slowly moved my hands to the side of this unwanted object, attempting to feel it, and knock it off of me so I could get up.

To my surprise, the object was furry, and seemed to be alive. It was breathing in fairly short breaths, and appeared to be asleep. I, thinking it was a dog, decided to stroke its fur, and gently wake it up. Of course, at the time I was too fucked up to remember that I was in a magical land of talking pony things, so I never once thought that this _dog_ could in fact be a pony. I wish that thought had crossed my mind, as I soon regretted the words that seemed to flow out of my mouth without my brains consent.

"Hey little guy, how'd you get in my room?" I began, and wish I finished that sentence right then and there, but fuck me. I wasn't that smart. So, like an idiot, I said; "you know, I could really use a small kiss right now. It's been a crazy week."

That's when I discovered what a hoof felt like against my face. Let me tell you, getting punched by a fist is one thing, but getting hit by a hoof as hard as a fucking rock? Well, needless to say, it felt like I got hit by a _fucking rock_. I must have lost a tooth, as I was bleeding quite heavily into my pillow, when I heard a female voice speak up. _Well, technically yell, but whatever. _

"I'm not gonna bucking _kiss_ you! Seriously, I'm not that kinda flier!" The raspy voice said, which I quickly recognized as that bitch that laughed at me. Can't remember her name, so I'll just call her _that bitch_ for now.

"I thought you were a dog" I tried to plead, hoping that bitch would accept my innocent mistake, and move on. However, nothing ever happens in my favor, and she didn't move on, not like I honestly expected her to.

"A _dog? _Seriously, do I look like an _animal_ to you?" _Well... _

"No, of course not. It's just, I had a dog back home." I lied. Only pet I had was a teddy bear hamster named Hammy. "He would always sleep on me, and bark when I didn't get up right away. You sorta reminded me of him."

The purple one decided to speak up, scaring me and _that bitch_ with her annoying voice. Neither one of us had noticed her in the room, which is odd, since she's a fucking purple unicorn pony. You'd think she would be fairly noticeable, but whatever.

"Rainbow Dash wanted to stay with you during the night, Taylor. She was worried about you. We all are." The purple one said. "She felt bad for-" she began to say, before noticing the blood - my blood - on the pillow. "Taylor, you're bleeding! What happened?"

"Oh, you know. I called Rainbow a dog, and she hit me. No biggie." Oddly, I didn't feel any real pain, and forgot that I was bleeding until the purple pony pointed it out. _Heh, purple pony pointed. Tongue twister. _Anyways, I wasn't lying when I said it was no biggie.

"Rainbow! You were supposed to stay with our guest, not attack him! Now apologize!"

"Heh, sorry Twilight. I kinda just-" Rainbow began to say, but the purple one, Twilight, interrupted. "No, apologize to Taylor, not to me!"

"Oh, uh. Right. Sorry Taylor, I kinda overreacted. We cool?" Rainbow asked me, extending her hoof. I caught on fairly quickly, and bumped her hoof with my fist. Somehow, this was the universal way to say '_we're cool_' and she accepted it with a grin.

A couple of minutes later, and after all three of us were more comfortable around each other, Twilight decided to use a type of magic to heal me. I, of course, was terrified of the idea, and a bit skeptical that _magic_ was even possible. However, she insisted that it was indeed possible, and that all unicorns were capable of using magic, with their horns acting as an access point. So, she went right ahead and healed my face, as it was apparently very messed up. She claimed that my nose was broken, and that I was missing two of my teeth. Of course, I felt no real pain from these supposed injuries, but I didn't have a good enough reason to deny her and her funky magic thing.

After I was apparently healed, Twilight told me the names of her five friends, as well as a little background history on the town I was in. She told me where she lived, and how I was welcome to stay with her in her guest bedroom. She also wanted me to visit some of her friends, so I could get to know them better. I didn't really want to, but I was convinced by this point that I had gone clinically insane, and that this whole thing was just one giant mental illusion, with me drooling in some mental institution near Toronto. Either that, or a dream.

The point is, I was convinced that none of this was real, which is probably why I was handling everything so well. I just sort of went with the flow.

I soon found myself walking through town with two ponies. Rainbow flew by my side, and Twilight was two paces ahead of me, acting as my guide while Rainbow and I had a small conversation.

"So, you're a human, huh?"

"Yup."

"That's kinda cool. Got any awesome talents?"

"Talents?"

"Yea, you know, like what are you really good at?"

"Well, sports I guess. Why?"

"Sports? I take it you're a competitive pony?"

"Uh, I'm a human. Though, I do enjoy competitions. Why?"

Before Rainbow was able to answer, we had arrived at the library. Twilight was eager to show me around, and kept going on about her books, and how I was welcome to read them whenever.

She told me where the kitchen was, and even showed me a list of everything that she had in her fridge, which mostly consisted of apples, lettuce, tomatoes and celery. Once that was done, she showed me to my room, and then the bathroom, and then the closet beside the bathroom, and then her room, and then... Yes, this just keeps going on and on, and by the time she was showing me around her third closet, I decided I had enough. I mean, there's only so much I can handle when it comes to looking at the contents of a fucking closet. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash decided to speak up before I was able to properly give Twilight a piece of my mind.

"Um, Twilight? You're boring us to death! Can't we just go outside, and mess around or something?" She asked, eagerness and agitation clearly present in her voice.

"I'm just trying to show our honored guest around, Rainbow. You never know when he'll need something from storage."

"Sure, but look at him! He's bored, Twi! We both are!"

Twilight took a quick glance at me, and decided the flying Pegasus thing was right. "Fine, we'll go outside. I'm sure the others would like to know that he's alright."

We headed back out, and started walking around town. Rainbow kept eyeballing me, and Twilight was going on about something I couldn't care to listen to.

We eventually made it to a place called Carousel Boutique, which a pony named Rarity supposedly owned. Now, this place wasn't your typical building, and I couldn't help but laugh at how absurdly stupid this thing looked. It honestly reminded me of a medieval circus tent, though one that was significantly more girly.

Upon entering this atrocity of a building, I noticed that the inside was just as obnoxious as the outside, if not more so. There were dozens of half finished dresses all over the place, most of which were neatly situated on tiny pony mannequins.

The door was connected to a small bell, which rang to announce our presence. We were quickly greeted by a pony that seemed to talk in a high class - almost British - accent.

"Welcome to Carousel _Boutique_, where every garment is _chic_, _unique_, and _magnifique_. I'll be with you in a moment, dear." Rarity called from the other room. When she came to greet her new guests, she visibly froze when she noticed me standing in her doorway. However, when she also saw Twilight and Rainbow Dash by my side, she relaxed.

"Hello Rarity, you remember Taylor Jones, right?" Twilight asked, taking a few steps closer to where Rarity stood.

"Yes, I believe I do. I could never forget something like _him_". Rarity emphasized the word _him_, which only made me want to punch her in her snooty face. I've always fucking hated upper class people, and the way they always look down on those with less money.

"Now Rarity, that's no way to speak to our guest. I brought him here to meet you, now that he's no longer in the hospital."

"Oh, well. My mistake then, Taylor. I do apologize for my poor first impression." _Yeah, sure you do, bitch. _

"Whatever, nice to meet you, I guess."

With that out of the way, Twilight, Rainbow and myself started walking - and flying - towards a place called Sweet Apple Acres, which is where her friend Applejack apparently lived and worked. Twilight was visibly upset with me, and kept insisting that Rarity wasn't usually like that, and that she was normally rather generous and kind. She also claimed that I could have handled the introduction better, and that my response wouldn't help our _growing_ friendship. She seemed to be under the impression that I give a fuck, which I don't. But whatever.

Rainbow, on the other hand, was damn near praising me for '_telling her off like that_.' She said I had some real guts to go ahead and practically insult the most talented fashion designer in Equestria, leaving me to believe that I had just pissed off a powerful person that could make my life a living hell. Er, powerful _pony_. Whatever. Fucking terminologies and shit. Though, since I didn't give a fuck, I really didn't consider it that big of a deal. I just kept walking down the path, a ranting Twilight in front of me, and a praising Rainbow flying beside me.

Unfortunately we didn't get too far, as that's when shit decided to hit the fan, and I don't mean that metaphorically, either. There was literally a giant metal fan blocking the path. Twilight, Rainbow and myself were all staring blankly at it, and none of us noticed three little fillies carrying a giant bag of manure until it was too late. Rainbow was the only one in the group to realize what was about to go down, and screamed, "OH SHI-"

Her scream was cut off by the sound of shit hitting the fan. The sound itself was disgusting, and made an unusual 'plop' whenever a larger chunk of shit was sliced by the rotating fan blades. Of course, we were also standing directly in the path, and soon found ourselves covered in shit. Stunned, smelly, and shocked beyond belief, we just continued to stand there, not even thinking about moving out of the way. Twilight even had her mouth open, while Rainbow was on the ground, weighed down by too much shit to remain airborne.

I was the first to come to my senses, and Rainbow wasn't far behind. Twilight, on the other hand? She was still stunned, and upon closer examination, I discovered that her mouth was full of shit, at least, more so than usual.

When I looked over to Rainbow Dash, I found her shivering on the ground in disgust. She was muttering some unpleasant words beneath her breath, and was looking around frantically. When she noticed me and Twilight -especially Twilight- she burst into laughter. "Oh, hehe. You guys are! Bahahaha! You should see your faces!" She said while rolling around the ground. That's when she remembered that she too was covered in shit, and her laughter stopped in an instant. I suppose rolling around the ground didn't help much, and appeared to simply rub the shit deeper into her rainbow colored mane.

This is when I began to laugh uncontrollably. Both at Rainbow's reaction and sudden realization, as well as at Twilight for being too damn stunned by the whole situation. Not to mention the shit in her mouth. This entire thing just felt so unreal, and reminded me of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. I swear, it's been years since I laughed this hard; even my sides were hurting!

That's when I heard a bunch of squeaky voices speak up, chanting in perfect unison. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS FERTILIZER SPREADER YAY!"

The voices belonged to three fillies, an orange one, a white one and a yellow one. They were all cheering, when they noticed us standing in a pile of shit. Their faces instantly dropped from ecstatic to fear and shame.

Rainbow started yelling at the three fillies, and kept trying to tackle an orange one. "Come on, Scoot! Give me a hug!"

"Ew, no way, Rainbow Dash! You stink!" Yelled the orange filly, attempting to run away as fast as she possibly could. She seemed to be a Pegasus, and had a very tomboy-like attitude. "Oh, I stink? I hadn't noticed!" Responded Rainbow, still chasing the orange filly, not being able to catch up to her. Every time Rainbow got close, the filly quickly swerved to change direction, her size giving her an advantage.

Meanwhile, the two other fillies were having a massive giggle fit, watching the spectacle unfold before them. Even I was laughing my ass off, the pain in my side intensifying from laughing too hard. That's when I noticed Twilight, and a small glow appearing around her horn. Then that glow extended to me, and the other ponies, freezing us from all movement. The next thing that happened was truly terrifying; we all began to levitate. _Terrifying for me at least.._

"I'm greatly disappointed in you three. Somepony could have gotten seriously hurt! What were you thinking?" Twilight lectured the three fillies, two of which were nearing tears, while the orange one tried to act tough, though you could tell that she too felt bad for what they did.

"We're sorry, Twilight! We were just trying' ta get our cutie marks! Never meant ta hurt ya, or anypony else." Spoke the yellow one with a slight southern accent.

After a small back and forth conversation between Twilight and the three fillies -a conversation that I didn't care to listen to- Twilight decided to let them go with a warning. However, before we were all able to continue on our way to Sweet Apple Acres, one of the fillies came up to me, and asked what I was.

I wasn't able to answer, as Twilight decided to do that on my behalf. "His name is Taylor Jones, and he's a human. We were just on our way to meet Applejack, when we _ran_ into you three." Twilight then turned her gaze to me, before continuing. "Taylor, I'd like to introduce you to Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell and Applebloom."

At the mention of their names, Scootaloo did a small trick on her scooter, which mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Sweetie Bell stepped forward with a bow, and Applebloom simply smiled with the most adorable puppy dog face imaginable.

"Say Twilight, now that he's met three new ponies, think maybe we could get cleaned up before introducing Taylor to any more of our friends?" Rainbow asked, sniffing the air to emphasize her question.

Twilight answered with a sigh. "Very well, and I need to brush my teeth. Gah, why did I leave my mouth open for that?"

"Because you're purple?" I answered sarcastically, and simply got another 'gah' from Twilight as a response, and a snicker from Rainbow.

It took us a while, but we eventually made it back to the library without being noticed. I'm thankful for that, as it would have been one hell of an awkward conversation explaining why we were all covered in manure.

Once inside, we were greeted by a tiny purple dragon. I, having never seen a dragon before, did exactly what any sane individual would do; I freaked the fuck out. It took both Twilight and Rainbow Dash to calm me down.

Twilight explained to me how Spike was her official assistant, and helped around the library. I must admit, aside from the whole fire breathing dragon thing, Spike was actually a pretty cool guy. We talked for a good minute and a half, before Twilight reminded me that I was covered in manure, and needed a shower.

That's when things got awkward.

Ponies don't view nudity in the same way that humans do, and when Twilight suggested that we all bathe together to _'save time'_, she couldn't quite understand why I was so very against that idea. So, I tried my best to explain it to her.

"Why _exactl_y is this such a bad idea, Taylor?" Asked Twilight, slightly frustrated by my quick refusal to bathe with her. "It'll save us time, and is overall more convenient!"

"Why? Well, how about the fact that I'm a dude? Or the fact that I'd be completely naked, cleaning shit off of me, while sitting in the same tub as you?"

Rainbow Dash decided to speak up, a minor blush on her face. "So what? I'm always naked, and you don't see me complaining! Besides, if you're that uncomfortable about bathing with the two of us, you could always choose to bathe with just me instead!" Rainbow's blush turned into a confident grin upon finishing her sentence, and she puffed out her chest for some unknown reason.

Thankfully, Twilight had enough common sense to understand where Rainbow was trying to take this, so she decided to set up a schedule for us to use instead of bathing together. She gave herself 14.7 minutes, Rainbow 75 minutes, and me 45 minutes. Apparently pegasi require more time to properly clean themselves, and Twilight could accelerate it by using her magic. She calculated how much time I would need based on my body mass.

Twilight went first, leaving me and Rainbow in the hall to talk amongst ourselves for 14.7 minutes. We mostly talked about sports, though a few stray innuendos were thrown in by Rainbow every so often. She actually asked me if I wanted to "_taste the rainbow"_. Thankfully that was her last major innuendo, as it was now my turn in the tub.

Twilight left the shower running, likely for my _'convenience'_, and I quickly removed my shit covered clothes, and hopped into the shower to thoroughly rid my body of this animal poop.

Not even 10 minutes later, and I was completely clean. As in, every inch of my body was clean as a whistle, and I had no fucking idea why, or how. I _was_ covered in shit, yet, now I'm not. Either this soap is fucking magical, or... No, that's probably the reason, actually. Fucking magic soap thing.

And then the panic attack.

I stepped out of the shower, feeling refreshed and energized, when I realized something; I didn't have any clean clothes to change into! The only pair of clothes I had were covered in shit.

I tried to find a towel large enough to cover me up properly, but everything in the bathroom itself was too small for me to use. That's when I remembered something; Twilight had a dozen large towels in the closet just outside of the bathroom. _Thank fuck she showed me her storage areas.. That knowledge actually _did _come in handy._

Problem is, that closet is _outsid_e of the bathroom, and I sure as fuck wasn't going to walk to the closet buck naked, not when Rainbow Dash was probably waiting just outside the bathroom door. So, I decided to call for help; Twilight's help.

"Uh, hey Twilight? Could you get me a larger towel? I don't seem to have any clean clothes, and need something - anything - to cover myself up."

"Fine, though I really don't see why you even need to wear clothes at all, and wearing a towel just sounds silly." She answered from behind the door.

Soon, the door started to open up, and in walked Twilight, towel levitating in front of her. Thankfully, she was levitating the towel in such a way so that it blocked her from seeing below my waist.

Once I had the towel, I quickly wrapped myself up in it, and left the bathroom. Rainbow was quick to take notice, and she didn't waste any time in getting into the shower herself, while I made my way to the guest bedroom, where I was staying.

I hopped into bed, and started to think about the day I just had. Thoughts such as '_what the fuck just fucking happened'_ and _'the flying fuck kind of land am I in' _flowing through my mind. I decided right then and there that I was going to sleep early, even though the sun was still high up in the sky.

If I was lucky, I would die in my sleep, never waking up to this bullshit land of color and ponies. I sure as hell wasn't in a hurry to wake up tomorrow, as chances are, I would have to get Rarity to make me some new clothes. I fucking hate her and her _kind_, and you just know she will make my life a living fucking hell. But, I need clothes. Badly.

Tomorrow is going to suck.


	3. Introduction: Part 3

I woke up the next morning feeling rather strange. I knew something wasn't quite right, but I was too preoccupied with the fact that I had to take a wicked piss to try and figure out what was wrong. That, and I just didn't care enough to give a fuck.

So, I ended up wrapping the large towel around my waist, and slowly made my way to the bathroom down the hall. I was still fairly out of it, or else I would have noticed that the air around me was full of electrical sparks, like the ones a lighter makes when it doesn't have enough fluid to form a proper flame. By the time I finally noticed, it was too late. The pressure in my chest was now pulsating heavily, and I soon found myself on the floor, in unimaginable pain. Frost formed around my body, and began to spread outwards in all directions, freezing anything and everything in its path. That's when I saw the reaper enter the room, though it looked more like a chimera wearing a reapers robe. Before he could reach for his scythe, his body morphed into a terrified Twilight Sparkle, and the frost around me faded away.

"Taylor, are you okay?" Twilight asked with a fearful expression on her face, and a worried look in her eyes. "Taylor, come on, wake up!" She screamed into my ears... Wait, wake up? I was awake, what the fuck did she...

That's when I fell out of bed. The bed which I had apparently never left. So, I was now sprawled across the floor, butt held high and bare for Twilight's prying eyes, though she didn't seem to notice. Either that, or she was too polite to stare. _Though she did giggle at my clumsiness._

I quickly covered myself up with the towel that had somehow managed to fall with me to the floor, and got to my feet with an audible grunt. Twilight backed up a bit, allowing me to regain my composure. It wasn't long before she spoke up.

"Taylor, are you alright? What happened?" She asked, a bit of panic still in her voice. "You were screaming in your sleep!"

"Yeah, it was just a dream. A really, really bad dream, but still just a dream. I'm fine."

"Oh, well, you really scared me, Taylor. The things you kept saying-" she began trailing off with every passing word. "Anyway, I'm glad you're alright. Do you want breakfast?"

"I'm not all that hungry" I tried to plead, but Twilight wouldn't take no for an answer. "Come on, Taylor. Every growing filly and colt needs a full and proper breakfast to start the day. Though, I suppose you're not exactly a filly or a colt, but I'm sure the rule still stands." She said while _magicing_ me through the doorway. I didn't quite like being forced to do stuff, but I figured she was right. Besides, a warm breakfast sure sounded nice right about now, after basically dreaming of becoming an icicle.

That's when I remembered a crucial piece of information; I wasn't wearing any clothes. Well, aside from a towel, but that hardly counts as clothing.

"Hey Twilight, I'm kinda naked over here. I'm sure as hell not going downstairs dressed like _this_" I said while pointing at my towel. "Do you by chance have a washing machine?" I asked, only to get a confused - yet curious - looking Twilight in response. "A what?"

"Basically, my only pair of clothes are covered in shit, and I need to clean them somehow. Do you have a machine that'll let me wash them?" I asked again, and this time Twilight seemed to understand. "Sure, I'll wash them for you. Where are they?"

"Uh, I think I left them in the bathroom. Want me to go get them?" I asked, only for the clothing to appear directly in front of me a moment later, completely clean of all shit. In fact, they looked practically brand new, and even had an unusual sparkle to them, kinda like the cheesy special effects used in those cheap infomercials on TV. "_Wow_" was all I could say.

Twilight kept looking at me with a curious expression on her stupid purple face, before finally speaking up. "I didn't expect _that_ kind of reaction from you, Taylor. Have you never cleaned clothing before?" She asked me with a bit of a smile. I shook my head before saying. "Not quite like that, no. How did you even do that? That was pretty awesome!"

"Unicorn magic. It's actually quite simple. You see, I just combine teleportation with the water molecules in the air, and mix in a bit of magic soap to finish the process." Said Twilight in a matter of fact tone of voice, before continuing with her little education lesson thing. "Pegasi use a special layer of cloud to clean their clothing, though I rarely ever see them wearing clothes. Oh, and Earth ponies tend to clean their clothing by hoof and a pail of soapy water, either that or they ask a unicorn to help them." Twilight paused, giving her time to catch her breath, before continuing. "So anyway, now that you have your clean clothes back, are you interested in having some breakfast?"

"Wow, that's actually pretty awesome." I paused, realizing that she also asked if I wanted food, "and, uh, sure; breakfast sounds nice"

We soon made it to the kitchen, and I think I threw up a little in my mouth upon seeing what it was Twilight expected me to eat. This _breakfast _- if you can even call it that - consisted of daisies, tomatoes, apples and lettuce, and lacked a significant amount of bacon. While I was fine with the apples, I absolutely hated tomatoes, and never thought about eating lettuce if it wasn't in salad form. Oh, and don't even get me started on the daisies, which I'm fairly sure would make me very sick if I were to eat them.

"Um, Twilight? I can't eat this." I said flatly while pointing towards the kitchen table. "For starters, daisies are poisonous. Apples I'm fine with, but I absolutely hate tomatoes. Oh, and the lettuce? Yeah, unless it's in a salad, I'm not eating it."

Twilight replied by staring deep into my eyes, curiosity present in hers, disgust in mine. She didn't say anything, just kept looking at me rather creepily. That's when I said, "if you don't stop staring at me with that ugly face of yours, I'll fucking smack you." _I know, I'm an ass, but since none of this is real anyway, fuck being nice, and on that note, fuck you for reading this. _

Twilight snapped herself back into reality, a blush now forming on her face. "I'm sorry, Taylor. I didn't know what it was humans ate, so I kind of just brought out a mismatch of everything I had. If you'd like, we could go out to eat. Sugarcube Corner has a fantastic breakfast menu, and it'll give you the chance to meet Pinkie Pie as well."

_Whatever. _"Sure, I guess anything is better than _that_." I said while pointing towards the food on the table. "Though, I'm really not interested in meeting another one of your friends." I cringed, remembering the _shit storm_ from last night. Twilight seemed to understand my reference, and smiled awkwardly.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders are normally harmless, Taylor." _Normally. _"It was just dumb luck that we ran into them. Besides, Pinkie Pie helps run the bakery, and considering that today is a work day, introductions would have to be kept short." Twilight began, before giving me a 'friendly warning'. "Also, don't be surprised if Pinkie acts a little weird around you. She's kind of... different."

With that, we began our journey to Sugarcube Corner, and upon our arrival, I noticed something in the sky. It looked a bit like a snake with wings, though I didn't think much of it, as I was in ponyland after all. Crazy shit tends to happen here for no apparent reason, so I just shrugged it off, and followed Twilight into this building.

Also, when I say _building_, I don't mean a giant gray skyscraper like the First Canadian Place in downtown Toronto, or even an average coffee shop like Tim Horton's. No, this Sugarcube Corner thing took shit seriously. It literally looked like a giant, editable house made of gingerbread, icing and cupcakes, as well as an assortment of other sweet snacks. I probably got diabetes simply by looking at the building itself, so I could only fear what sugary trash awaited for me behind these doors. "What the fuck are we going to be eating in here? Sugar with the side of syrup?" I asked sarcastically, once again earning a blush from Twilight. I don't know why she keeps blushing like that, but it's honestly kinda cute in a puppy dog sorta way.

"W-well, they make some really delicious pancakes, as well as waffles and breakfast cupcakes." Answered Twilight with a nervous stutter, holding the door open for me with her freaky magic stuff.

"Breakfast cupcakes? The hell are those?" I asked while stepping through the door, getting my first glimpse of what I would soon come to despise with every last bone in my body. Seriously, the outside was one thing, but the inside? Fucking hell, this place looked like it was literally made of sugar.

"I believe they're just regular cupcakes, but made with far less sugar." Twilight answered while we both walked up to the counter to place our order.

I decided on having the pancakes, and asked for a side of hot sauce. Twilight stared at me funny by my peculiar order, but ignored it until we had both found an empty - albeit small - table to sit at. "That's disgusting, Taylor! Don't tell me you enjoy spicy foods, too."

"It's just a weird habit of mine. I've always enjoyed combining sweet and spicy together, though I mostly blame Frank for that. He put that shit on everything." I replied, knowing damn well that Twilight wouldn't catch the joke I just made. _"_Also, what do you mean _too?"_

Twilight frowned. "Rainbow Dash, and apparently most pegasi, greatly enjoy that stuff. I myself can't stand it." She sighed. "Anyway, how are you enjoying Ponyville so far? I have a ton of questions about you, if you wouldn't mind answering a few." Twilight said eagerly, reminding me of the first time I met her, and how I really, _really_ wanted to punch her in her muzzle. This time was no different, but it wasn't like I had anything better to do while I ate. May as well indulge her.

With a sigh, I said; "Honestly? I think I'm insane, and that this is all just one giant illusion, or a dream, or something along those lines. I mean, one minute I'm at home, then I'm here. There's no way that any of this is real, and I'm fairly sure that's the only reason I'm actually going along with this shit, and... huh?" I paused, noticing that Twilight was looking all depressed, and on the verge of crying.

"Taylor, do you really believe that none of this is real? That _I'm _not real?"

"Well, yeah. I don't even know where I am, or how I got here. I'm not sure if I'm even alive, Twilight. For all I know, this could just be one giant mental illusion created by some type of god. If it is, fine. That's mostly why I kept going along for the ride, and why I've been able to basically talk to you _ponies_ without a second thought. Talking animals is ludicrous; just beyond impossible. I mean, don't get me wrong; if this is real, it's a pretty awesome place to live. Rainbow Dash is pretty epic, and you have a cute personality. Anyway, back to this being an illusion of sorts. If it were in fact real, why is it that I've been unable to feel any major pain since I got here?" I had to stop talking, as I was out of breath, and quite honestly didn't know what else to say. By now, every pony in this place was looking at us with interest and sadness, while Twilight just looked sad. She obviously felt sorry for me, and couldn't find a proper reply. So, she simply said; "I'm sorry" and hung her head over her plate of food, slowly eating it while I did the same with my pancakes.

Our moment of sorrow quickly passed when a stream of confetti was shot at us from a type of cannon. A pink pony then decided to pop into existence right in front of us, shocking me and Twilight out of our chairs and onto the floor.

"Twilight, we're not serving frownies today, though we are serving brownies! But you already knew that, as the menu is right over there, and you were over there, but now you're over here sitting on the floor. Wait, why are you on the floor? And why are you two frowning?" Asked Pinkie Pie with an annoying enthusiasm.

"Well, we _were_ talking about something before you interrupted, and it wasn't a very happy conversation, Pinkie" said Twilight.

"That's why I'm here! Well, I mean, technically I'm here to bake cookies and cupcakes, as I work here, but I'm also here right now with you because I knew you two were unhappy, and I _can't_let two unhappy ponies remain unhappy when Pinkie's around to spread a smile!" Pinkie started bouncing in her spot, and stared directly at me. This was short lived, as she quickly turned her gaze to Twilight. Then back to me. Then Twilight. Me. Twilight. Me. Twilight. Me. A random chair. Twilight.

Eventually, she trotted off with a smile into what I presume was the kitchen, and never returned.

"What just happened?" I asked no one in particular, my mind still a haze over what I had just experienced.

"Pinkie happened" replied Twilight. That was all that she said, as we quickly made our way out before anything _else_ could occur.

We were now standing in the middle of Ponyville, not quite sure what to do with our time, when a bunch of bunnies decided to randomly appear. And, when I say a _bunch_, I mean HUNDREDS of bunnies! I've never seen so much cuteness in one place!

That's also when a yellow pony decided to show herself. She was attempting to chase the frisky little rabbits around, presumably to herd them back to wherever they came from. Though, she wasn't having much luck, and kept tripping over her own front hooves every time she went to grab one of the little critters.

Then Twilight jumped in, and she too began to chase the little bunnies around, with little success. I just stood my distance, watching a bunch of colorful ponies chasing tiny grey bunnies around. It was both cute, and funny at the same time. The only thing missing was a nice warm bag of popco... Wait, nevermind. Popcorn just appeared on the ground in front of me. Cause, whatever. Physics and logic and such don't mean shit here.

After what felt like an eternity, I got bored of watching, and decided to come to the rescue. So, I made my way to the market area of Ponyville, and found a fairly large stand of fresh carrots.

"Hey, I don't have any money, but would it be possible for me to take a few carrots to end the rabbit vs pony conflict that's happening right over there?" I asked the vendor while pointing towards the battleground of cuteness two streets over. She looked at me with a bit of fear, but soon nodded. "S-sure mister."

With four carrots in hand, I made my way back to the invasion of cuteness, and lured the bunnies away from the center of town. After realizing that I had no clue where to lure these little fellas, the yellow pegasus; Fluttershy, decided to take lead.

"Why didn't I think of that," spoke Twilight, who fell into place beside me, keeping pace. She actually seemed a little depressed by not thinking of the carrot thing. "Anyway, thank you for helping out, Taylor!"

"Yeah, sure." was my unenthusiastic response. As of now, I was seriously contemplating suicide, as the insanity of this whole situation was just too damn much for me to handle.

Talking colourful ponies, rampaging bunnies, magic, the whole possible death thing. Seriously, how much more fucked up can this all get? I feel like a fucking alien in the land of insanity, assuming any of this is even real. I've only been here for two days, yet I'm already thinking about ending my life. The fuck is wrong with me? This just proves that my mental state ain't all there… '_I just have to play along, and everything will be alright' _ I kept telling myself, though deep down, I somehow knew that this was all real. That nothing was ever going to be alright ever again, and that my life has forever been changed, to spend it with talking pony things.

What happened next shook me straight out of my depressive stupor, and brought me back to the land of semi-reality. That is, one minute I was mindlessly walking down the path, with a bunch of bunnies and two ponies by my side, and the next I was surrounded by thousands of tiny electrical sparks, just like the ones from my dream. Except, there was something different; something that just didn't feel right. After looking around to get a better view of my surroundings, I knew what was wrong.

Everything was engulfed in a brilliant flame of red. I could see ponies lying on the ground, dead or otherwise severely burned. Some of them were screaming in pain, though all that I could hear was an echoing static, like the sound of an old television set without a signal. This static slowly grew, and I soon found myself unable to hear anything but static noise. And then, silence.

Pure silence.

I closed my eyes out of fear, and when I reopened them, I was once again standing on a path, two ponies by my side, and an army of bunnies behind me. It was as if nothing had happened. I, of course, was freaking the fuck out by this point, and being as how I was in front of a legion of bunnies, when I freaked out, they freaked out; which didn't help the whole situation much.

That's when Twilight noticed my behaviour, and she quickly started asking a dozen or so questions, all of which translated to; "are you okay, what happened?"

I couldn't answer her though, as my vision kept growing darker and darker, until finally; I lost consciousness entirely.

A couple of hours passed before I regained my ability to think, and speak, and essentially _live_ in the conscious world. When I did, I found myself in an unusual location; home. That is, I was back home, in Toronto, on Earth, with humans, alive, in my bed, in my room, in my appartment, in my - you get the idea.

I tried to get out of my bed, but found myself completely numb, unable to move. That's when I heard a voice, someone unfamiliar to me was talking just outside of my visions reach. It was a male, and he just kept muttering to himself.

"Oh no, this won't do, this won't do at all" the unknown voice said. "He isn't supposed to be back in his old life for quite some time, and even then it was only meant to be temporary. How he even managed to return back to his previous life is a true mystery to me, and I do quite enjoy a good mystery." The voice said, chuckling to himself.

He instantly appeared beside me, and began rubbing at my face with his… talon. Each stroke left behind an odd burning sensation, the sensation intensifying to a searing level of pain, before numbing away into a calm coolness.

"You're probably quite confused right now, being alone with a complete stranger, having memories that couldn't possibly have been real. Surely you've got questions, though since you're seemingly paralyzed right now, I suppose the answers will have to wait." He paused for a moment. "Anywho, I believe introductions are in order. My name is Discord, lord of chaos. I tell you this, as I fear there is a power even greater than I at work here, Taylor. You see, I was not the one responsible for sending you to Equestria, nor was I the one to send you back. Honestly, it baffles me, and so rarely does that happen."

"Well, I suppose I'll send you right on back to live with your happy pony pals. Though, keep our little meeting a secret, will you? I'd hate to let word of my existence get out into the masses… Why, there'd be _chaos _if that were to ever happen." Discord said with a dark laugh. "Not like you'd be able to tell anyone, or anypony for that matter; given as how you'll believe this to be nothing but a dream."

"Now Taylor, it's time I send you back to the magical land of ponies. Do try to maintain some sense of sanity" he chuckled. "Hold still, this won't hurt more than a pinch."

_It hurt more than a pinch._

* * *

**Authors note. **

First up, sorry for the delay in getting this chapter published. I know it wasn't exactly what you were all hoping for, and is more or less the final bit to a three part introduction.

I'm trying to create a rather large and highly detailed story arc with a massive plot line. Now that I have the introductions over with, I can focus on the main story, and actually work on proper character development. I'm aiming to make the characters as real as possible.

As for what I said in a previous note, these first few entries were just a test to see if people were interested in reading this thing. Now that I have a couple of favs and follows, most of my upcoming chapters will be significantly longer. I'll aim to publish one chapter every month, with about 10-25k words each.

As always, please remember to follow and fav. I only write this to support my readers. No readers, no stories. :)  
Constructive criticism is always welcomed!


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